I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
