Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
