The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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