I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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