I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
