Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
