I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
