they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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