Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
