I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
