I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
