my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
