Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
