Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
