i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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