Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
