I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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