uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
