I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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