I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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