im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ketchup is God's man juice
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
