she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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