I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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