wanna go halves on a baby?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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