My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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