DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
