I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
