Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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