It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
