He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
