it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
