Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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