I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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