maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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