my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
