We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
