i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
false alarm, still single
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
