At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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