Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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