don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
