Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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