My friends, they love my intelligence
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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