there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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