My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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