I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
