I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
