I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
