im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
