Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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