My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
