Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize