if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
