he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i think im in europe. pls send help
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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