bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
