My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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