the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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