My sheets look like a crime scene.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
