chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just gargled with NyQuil
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
