Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
