Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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